Sunday 31 October 2021

A Letter that seems Legit


Let's accept it. Halloween should be removed from the calendar altogether. Even the zombies are sick of it and just wish to be transformed back to normal humans just like us. And the pestilence that grows worse by the day is just a lame excuse for its abolition. Halloween should be abolished not just because it has become too unwholesome for its own good, but the Holy Bible denounces it as unholy.

Maybe we should have listened to the Holy Bible. Then the calamities we are suffering through would not have happened. But such calamities were actually predicted by the Bible, so the only thing that's important right now is our personal repentance.

Saturday 30 October 2021

Super Smash Bros Ultimate Superlative Awards


Author's Note: If you are familiar with the Academy Awards (or Star Awards if you come from Singapore like me), here is a superlative awards ceremony for the best and worst highlights of Super Smash Bros Ultimate after 3 years of hype. These awards are just my personal opinion as nobody from Singapore is eligible for purchasing Super Smash Bros Ultimate's DLC. So do not be disappointed if your favourite character or feature or stage did not make the cut in this awards ceremony.

Best non-DLC Newcomer: Simon Belmont. The original poster boy of Castlevania was believed to have been the runner-up of the Smash 4 DLC ballot that Bayonetta won. To make up for this, Konami decided to have two members of the Belmont Clan join Metal Gear Solid's Snake as Konami representatives. Ridley gets a well-deserved runner-up award because Nintendo had been trying to make him playable in Smash since Melee. He could have been the winner, but his side special being a sacrificial KO move caused him to drop points because most grab-based sacrificial KO moves end with the character performing said move losing under the current last life rules.

Worst non-DLC Newcomer: A tie between Chrom and Dark Samus. Chrom is supposed to be an echo fighter of Fire Emblem Roy, but his up special is a slightly inferior version of Ike's up special. Dark Samus is just an echo fighter of Samus, but with Ridley's victory theme. Daisy and Richter are runners-up in this category, but only because Daisy is better than Peach, who was always lame, and Richter's holy water vials do not instantly detonate Blast Boxes and Bombers, which can also be a good thing as well...

Best DLC Character: Sora. The poster boy of Kingdom Hearts was in very high demand in Japan, North America and Europe. Even Disney wanted Sora to be in Nintendo's dueling tournament. Thankfully, a Disney representative met Masahiro Sakurai at an awards ceremony, and demanded that Sora should be playable in Smash. Banjo-Kazooie and Steve, being Microsoft characters in Smash, proved that Microsoft is willing to take their Console Wars hostilities to Nintendo's territory on the personal level. Therefore, they both get the runners-up award for this category.

Worst DLC Character: Piranha Plant. Remember the data corruption glitch? I am very sure Nintendo has not successfully rectified that glitch as of the Version 13.0.0 Update. Byleth gets the runner-up award for this category because He/She did not introduce a data corruption glitch, but received many dislikes from the community for being bland.

The "He/She should have been playable!" Award: Krystal. Unfortunately, due to Krystal not wearing any panties under her skirt for her skimpy costume, she had to be an Assist Trophy. Pyra had to wear a pantyhose just to comply with the age rating boards due to her tiny shorts in order to be playable. Even the school uniform female Inkling is wearing shorts under her skirt. The runner-up for this category, Klonoa, would have been a better Bandai Namco representative in Smash than Kazuya, but inflating opponents would be a huge problem in Smash, and therefore, he was turned down in favour of Kazuya.

The "You're Not Welcome to Smash At All!" Award: Waluigi. Anybody who has self-pity as the cornerstone of his personality can never become playable in Smash. Also, characters owned by Sony are not welcome to participate in a Nintendo dueling tournament because Sony still can never forgive Nintendo for the betrayal that took place in 1991.

Toughest Level 9 CPU: Kazuya Mishima. When he was introduced, even professional players had difficulty defeating him. The runner-up, Sora is almost as broken. Possibly because he can use his zigzagging side special after using his up special.

Best Kirby Hat: Sora Kirby. Even if Kirby does not get to wield a keyblade, at least he can command the elements to conquer his opponents. Kazuya Kirby can angle beam attacks, while Shulk Kirby harnesses the Monado's power, but still, both are not as impressive as Sora Kirby.

Worst Kirby Hat: King Dedede Kirby. Basically Kirby's Inhaling ability, but more mundane. At least the Mii Fighter headbands that Kirby obtains when he inhales Mii Fighters have better abilities.

Best Alternate Costume (That's not a Mii Costume): Gold Coat Kazuya. Gold palette swaps are among the best alternate costumes in Smash, and Gold Coat Kazuya is no exception, except that it is a recolour of a different alternate costume, and not a recolour of the default costume. The runner-up, Leopard Print Snake was always the best Snake alternate costume because it makes the other Snake alternate costumes, including the default, look mediocre.

Best non-DLC Mii Costume: Lip Outfit. Turn your female Mii Swordfighter into a magical girl. Also, it's available from the start. The Special Forces Set turns Mii Gunners into army personnel, and deserves to be the runner-up.

Best DLC Mii Costume: Doom Slayer Set. Finally, Isabelle and the Doom Slayer are together at last. Sort of. The Travis Set gets a respectable runner-up award because Super Smash Bros was referenced in No More Heroes 3.

Most Agonizing Star KO Death Scream: Fire Emblem Roy. His Star KO death scream really sounds like a proper death scream. Snake's Big NO!!!!! also makes a comeback, and now Pit yells "I never learned how to read!" But Snake's and Pit's Star KO death screams are not really death screams.

Best New Item: A draw between Healing Field and Healing Sprout. Both are healing items introduced in Super Smash Bros Ultimate. The Staff gets a runner-up award as it is a shooting item that works like a sniper rifle when fired from long distances. The Bomber gets a 2nd runner-up award because it can be deployed to blast nearby enemies and objects. However, when it falls of a ledge, should it land on solid ground, it will explode upon impact. It can explode by itself like the Bob-omb when left alone or if it was held in hand for too long.

Worst New Item: Fake Smash Ball. This item looks like a Smash Ball but it explodes in an X-shaped explosion, similar to X Bombs. Whatever you do, do not attack the Fake Smash Balls. The effects of Ramblin' Evil Mushrooms are so nasty you wouldn't want to attack them if it means avoiding getting your directional controls reversed by their spores. It can, however, be used like a Fire Flower, to sabotage enemies' directional controls by spraying spores at them.

The Item that should be retired for the next Smash: Poison Mushroom. The most hated item in Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels is so unlikable it should never have been added into Super Smash Bros in the first place. The Fake Smash Ball is obviously a regrettable addition to the items list, and Smoke Balls do nothing other than as a marker for enemy targets. Therefore, all three items should be retired from the next Smash Bros title.

The Item that we would like to have in the next Smash: Mega Mushroom. Grow even bigger than you normally would with this superweapon. Also, the Mega Mushroom theme plays when someone consumes the Mega Mushroom. 1-Up Mushrooms would have been basically the Rally-X Special Flag, except it can be consumed similarly to a Super Mushroom. In timed battles with unlimited lives, the 1-Up Mushroom would instead reset the damage counter to 0% for whoever consumes it.

Best New Feature: Spirits. They work like the equipment in Smash 4, but with mostly positive perks. For the features that got the runners-up awards, we have 8-Player Battles available in all stages and Final Smash Meters. Back when 8-Player Battles were introduced in Super Smash Bros for Wii U, only certain stages can have that feature. But Ultimate change that and now, 8-Player Battles are available on all stages. The Final Smash Meter gives characters a chance to activate a Final Smash when Smash Balls are hard to come by.

Worst New Feature: Small Battlefield. It would definitely not be suitable for anything more than 2 players, although the only reason it exists is for 1 vs 1 matches. While it's understandable that Final Smash Meters need to have a time limit, but why do they need a use it or lose it situation? 8-Player Battles make sense in Ω form stages, but Battlefield form stages? There's not enough room for that!

Most Improved Feature: Stage Builder. This version is a large improvement from the Wii U Smash Bros Stage Builder, although it still does not really meet the expectations of some players. Maybe we will get a better one when Smash Bros takes the Super Mario Maker path regarding the series' future after Masahiro Sakurai. The campaign mode, World of Light, while not as great as The Subspace Emissary, has a navigation feature simpler than the navigation in Brawl's campaign mode. The Classic Mode in Ultimate is now more focused on recurring themes, some of which focus more on lore.

The Feature that will be sorely missed: Trophies (and Trophy Rush). Saying goodbye to trophies, and with it, Trophy Rush, was perhaps the biggest omission in the game. Perhaps this is due to spirits lacking lore descriptions that trophies have. This means no more Trophy Rush, and Trophy Rush was actually one of my favourite mini-games in the 3DS version of Smash 4. Target Blast was also one of my favourite mini-games in the 3DS version of Smash 4. But it did not return for Ultimate, unlike Home-Run Contest.

Best New Stage: King of Fighters Stadium. While it is harder to score KOs by smacking opponents towards the blast lines on the left or right sides of the stage due to invisible barriers, judging by the need to deal enough knockback on opponents to penetrate the invisible barriers, said barriers can actually be a lifesaver. Also, Metal Slug music is available on this stage. The Minecraft World, Mishima Dojo and Hollow Bastion stages all get a runner-up award for this category because people actually want Minecraft, Tekken and Kingdom Hearts to be represented in Smash.

Worst New Stage: Small Battlefield. The only reason Small Battlefield exists is solely for 1 vs 1 matches. Nothing more, nothing less.

The Stage that should not have been omitted: Pac-Maze. This stage is more synonymous with Pac-Man than Pac-Land. Mario Kart 7's version Rainbow Road was added in Super Smash Bros for 3DS, but was cut from Ultimate, in spite of Rainbow Road themes being included in the game.

So there you have it. These are my opinions on who the award winners for the Super Smash Bros Ultimate Superlative Awards are. Your opinions may vary. So let me know if your choice was not on my list.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate © Nintendo.

Monday 25 October 2021

30 Years of Puyo Puyo


Can you believe it's been 30 years since the now-defunct Compile released a puzzle spin-off of Madou Monogatari that ultimately became Sega's best-selling franchise that's not Sonic the Hedgehog? In fact, unlike Sonic, Puyo Puyo is the best Sega IP that does not have a tarnished reputation. It just had to wait until their crossover with Tetris to finally make their big time entrance in the international market, which the series had been waiting for since Puyo Pop Fever.

Happy 30th Anniversary, Puyo Puyo. You are by far better than Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sunday 17 October 2021

Getting her bikini wet in style


Remember those comics about panties getting wet? In this comic, bikini bottoms are getting wet the same way, and bikini bottoms are more suitable for getting wet than lingerie panties. In other words, female swimwear bottoms are better than lingerie panties when it comes to getting wet in style.

Friday 15 October 2021

Internet Legacy


Let's face it. The Internet that we all grew up with has already started to fade away. This is mainly because of new regulations that are too heavy-handed and are causing net users to quit altogether.

There was a time when you could do anything to achieve Internet stardom just by starting from humble beginnings. Unfortunately, this is (mostly) no longer the case now. And this had been gradually happening over the past several years. To make matters worse, this is basically making leaving behind a legacy on the Internet harder.

Do you really miss the Golden Age of Fair Use? Because we are living in the twilight years of that Golden Age, and it's coming to an end faster than most people think...

Tuesday 12 October 2021

Ingredients to Pies


Pies are just one type of food found in RuneScape, and there are many types of pies found in the RuneScape game, five of which are featured in this comic.

Here is a list of the ingredients for the five pies featured in this comic:

Meat pie: Cooked beef or cooked chicken is fine.

Apple pie: Red or green apples will do, but the apples in RuneScape are green.

Fish pie: Trout, cod and raw potato. The trout and cod should be cooked before being added.

Admiral pie: Salmon, tuna and raw potato. Like the fish pie, the salmon and tuna should be cooked before being added.

Summer pie: Add the strawberry first, then the watermelon, and finally, add the apple last.

Monday 11 October 2021

The Nonsensical War


If there was anything that makes no sense in the Kingdom Hearts series, it would be the Keyblade War and the time paradoxes. As of Kingdom Hearts 3, a new Keyblade War is in progress. Even if Wreck-It Ralph terminates Master Xehanort and Organization XIII and help Sora and his friends piece together the χ-blade for Fix-It Felix Jr to fix with his hammer, this happy ending is unlikely to happen because with our world heading towards a new World War, you might as well add Kingdom Hearts 4 to the list of stuff we will not have before World War 3 alongside Half-Life 3. In other words, the Kingdom Hearts lore has become so nonsensical that the series has become goofier than Goofy.

Then again, despite being bested by Sora, Master Xehanort's defeat did not right the wrongs that he caused because Kingdom Hearts was consumed by darkness. That is until Xehanort's childhood friend Eraqus tells him enough. It turns out that the entire story of the Kingdom Hearts series was based on a chess match between them. Xehanort entrusts the χ-blade to Sora and his friends. But unfortunately, Xehanort's second-in-command, Xigbar, who was the only person who knew about Xehanort's plot from the beginning, acquires the No Name Keyblade that was left behind as a result of Xehanort's demise, eventually revealing himself to be Luxu. In other words, Xehanort was a major pawn in someone else's plans.

Update: Kingdom Hearts 4 has already been announced, but as for the launch date and the platforms the game will be available on remains unknown as at the time of the announcement trailer.

Sunday 10 October 2021

Not Coming to Smash


It's official. Due to Sora from Kingdom Hearts being confirmed to be the final Fighters Pass character, Sakura Kinomoto from Cardcaptor Sakura has announced that she has officially withdrawn from Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Also, Eva McKenna from Red Alert 3 has proclaimed the bad news that Sakura Kinomoto is not coming to Super Smash Bros Ultimate at all, and this has left several people such as Rover from Animal Crossing shocked. Perhaps this has something to do with the "No non-video game characters allowed" policy, or it could be due to her having dark secrets related to Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, or possibly magical girls were never designed for Smash.

Command and Conquer: Red Alert 3 © Electronic Arts. Nintendo games and characters © Nintendo.

Saturday 9 October 2021

No Ash For Smash


If you were a fan of Ash Ketchum since Episode 1 of the Pokemon Anime, you should be disappointed because the final Fighters Pass character to complete the Super Smash Bros Ultimate roster was not Ash Ketchum, but Sora from Kingdom Hearts, who was actually a far better choice to fill the final slot than Ash Ketchum and Waluigi combined. Surely Ash Ketchum not being the final Fighters Pass character has to be even more depressing than the Pokemon series finale that the late Takeshi Shudo proposed, which reveals that Pokemon was all just a dream from a dying Ash Ketchum, who was actually delusional due to a mental illness, and not some dumb adolescent.

Sadly, Ultimate could be the very last Super Smash Bros game before a war bigger than all the wars that have taken place since the beginning of mankind begins, meaning Waluigi and Ash Ketchum will not even have any justice at all...

Update: The Ash Ketchum Arc has officially ended, and it ended with "Next Time, A New Beginning". It was not the depressing series finale that the late Takeshi Shudo proposed. But then again, Ash will not be in any future Super Smash Bros titles as a result of the end of the Ash Ketchum Arc.

Wednesday 6 October 2021

It's Never Waluigi Time


Sad as it is, Waluigi will have to wallow in self-pity over absolutely nothing going his way. Judging by the keyblade impaling the gamma symbol, Sora from Kingdom Hearts has officially killed off all chances of Waluigi becoming a playable character in Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Looks like Waluigi will have to live with depression for many years to come...

On a related note, Congratulations, Sora. You definitely deserved the final Fighters Pass character slot, unlike Waluigi, who is very obnoxious and should stay far from having the glory that he had been yearning for since his debut in Mario Tennis in 2000.

Tuesday 5 October 2021

No Justice for Waluigi


It's a pity that Waluigi will have to wallow in self-pity for as long as he exists because the final Fighters Pass character slot just went to Sora from Kingdom Hearts. Looks like Waluigi and his fans will have to accept the fact that Waluigi will never have any justice or glory whatsoever...

Friday 1 October 2021

DLC Finale Hype


In anime and manga, magical girls are portrayed as protectors of their hometown and perhaps their world. Back when I was a kid, I would even think that magical girls would go toe to toe with the likes of a cap-wearing Shonen adolescent. However, this is not possible, as said adolescent would not be allowed to even punch his enemies, and not to forget that non-video game characters are not allowed to participate in a dueling tournament designed to be a celebration of video game history. If that is not enough, some magical girls face monstrous villains that will make most of gaming's worst villains look weak in comparison. Thankfully, Rit from Rod Land is not one of these magical girls. However, if she is not the final Fighters Pass character, just trying her best to get that slot will be more than enough for her to prove herself a heroine to the magical girl community.

Unlike Microsoft, who allowed Banjo-Kazooie and Minecraft's Steve to participate in Super Smash Bros Ultimate, Sony will never consider having any of their characters take part in a Nintendo dueling tournament. Despite porting several first-party PlayStation titles to Windows PCs in recent months, as well as an official mobile Lemmings game, Sony will never even think of having any of their characters fill the final Fighters Pass character slot. This is because of Nintendo's betrayal of Sony in 1991, which left Sony bitter towards Nintendo to this day.

Who knows if Polygon Man really dislikes Nintendo and Microsoft more than he dislikes PlayStation mascots...

Update: Sora from Kingdom Hearts just got the final Fighters Pass character slot, and he is not property of Sony Interactive Entertainment. This means Super Smash Bros Ultimate does not have any characters from Sony Interactive Entertainment at all. In other words, Polygon Man dislikes Nintendo and Microsoft a lot more than PlayStation mascots...

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