Lack of Sentience

If there was any reason Jenova made zero appearances in Wooden Plank Studios (including Patreon-exclusive bonus panels) by the time that webcomic had its final curtain call on 9 July 2024, it would have to be Jenova having no sentience whatsoever, unlike Kirby, Mystique, Master Hand, Crazy Hand, Polygon Man, Dr Wily's Robot Masters, Ultimecia, Kuja, the Chimera aliens from Sony's Resistance series, Tabuu and Galeem.

The Matriarchal Destroyer of Worlds

Whether it's the official sources provided by Square Enix, or fan-made content such as webcomics like Wooden Plank Studios, Jenova is the true mastermind behind Sephiroth's villainy. This includes Sephiroth bringing Smash despair, meaning Kirby throwing a Friend Heart to weaken and humiliate Sephiroth is basically throwing a wrench in Jenova's dark plans to destroy the Smash House, essentially foiling the evil matriarch that tried to destroy Gaia a long time ago, especially when Jenova had already destroyed an unknown number of planets before becoming the Calamity that fell from the sky, resulting in the downfall of the Cetra civilization.

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix.

Too Ghastly to be Redeemed

Jenova is far too ghastly to make any appearances in any webcomic featuring Final Fantasy VII characters, including Wooden Plank Studios. In fact, Jenova's face is so ghastly that it would give Hazbin Hotel's Charlie Morningstar PTSD.

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix.

The Irredeemable Evil Genius

Special thanks to the fantastic people who conceived Hazbin Hotel, as well as Milton Mastabi Filho for his Professor Hojo artwork for the ArtStation Final Fantasy VII 20th Anniversary Collab.

If there was anyone who should be considered the true villain of the Final Fantasy VII Saga, it's not Sephiroth the Bringer of Despair, nor Jenova the Calamity that fell from the sky and tried to destroy Gaia, but Professor Hojo, the evil genius who happens to be Sephiroth's father. In fact, Professor Hojo is a far worse evil genius than Dr Eggman, Dr Wily, Dr Cortex, Dr William Birkin and Dr Nefarious combined, as well as a bad father who is so terrible that he's even worse than Heihachi Mishima and the aforementioned Dr Birkin. Professor Hojo is so detestable that he was not even mentioned in Masahiro Sakurai's Sephiroth Presentation at all. It's also possible Professor Hojo does not even appear in any of the comics made by Wooden Plank Studios, and Professor Hojo being a terrible father means he could well be on Kazuya Mishima's target list.

No wonder Charlie Morningstar from Hazbin Hotel is terrified upon seeing Professor Hojo arriving at her hotel. That evil genius is utterly irredeemable because there is nothing positive to say about him.

Voice Actress Audition

Author's Note: Given that I do not own Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth, I do not know if the Final Fantasy 7 Remake Trilogy production team gave Jenova a voice for that infamous quote where she taunts Cloud by saying "Because, you are... a puppet."

If Jenova had a voice actress, that voice actress would have to make the villainess sound menacing. Currently, the two best choices for Jenova's voice would be to either make her sound like the Evil Queen from the Animated Disney Snow White or to make her sound like a female version of Polygon Man. However, having no set form means it's almost impossible for Jenova to have a voice, which is why everything about Jenova is very unsettling, including her theme...

Swimming Pool Matriarch Visual Gag Variations 4

Once again, it's time for more wisdom from the Matriarch of the Swimming Pool.

Sephiroth's parents did say mean things to Cloud. Jenova does not speak. But when she did, she called Cloud "a puppet". Professor Hojo, the evil genius who happens to be Sephiroth's father, called Cloud "the Failure".

There are no traces of PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale in the PS5 built-in freeware Astro's Playroom. This also includes the complete absence of Polygon Man from the game. Instead, the final boss was the PS1 Tech Demo T-Rex, who just happens to have no game of his own before Astro's Playroom. Maybe PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale will get a Definitive Remaster one day, and hopefully, the Astro's Playroom stage will be included, with the PS1 Tech Demo T-Rex included as a stage hazard.

In Resident Evil 2, Dr William Birkin seeks to implant the G virus into his daughter Sherry Birkin. For that, the heroes had to kill him. As a result, Dr Birkin perished a mutated monster. But what made him so unlikeable was his obsession with implanting the G virus into his daughter. This means Dr William Birkin is a worse father than Tekken's Heihachi Mishima.

The art style of the SNES launch title F-Zero was reminiscent of superhero comic books. In fact, Captain Falcon's Falcon Punch would fit perfectly in any comic featuring onomatopoeia.

Too Grotesque for Polygon Man

Credits to The Archworks a.k.a. Archemeits for his renditions of Heretic Hojo and Jenova Synthesis.

"Ridley is too big" has officially aged poorly. "Jenova is too ugly" makes more sense for the Smash community now, because Jenova is far too grotesque to even have any part in the malevolent plans of Polygon Man, one of which involves the purple head taking over Sony.

Heretic Hojo and Jenova Synthesis are so ugly that Polygon Man rejected them from being stage hazards in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. And it does not help when both of them are uglier than the Chimera from the Resistance series. This could also explain why neither Hojo nor Jenova came along when Sephiroth entered Super Smash Bros Ultimate. Sakurai would find both of them too grotesque to be included in any form.

Reactions to an Endgame Aftermath

Accept it, Jenova. Your dark plans would be far too extreme for a malevolent purple head who tried to take over Sony, which is why he will never allow you to be part of his army. Also, that purple head would rather sign a peace agreement with Master and Crazy Hands.

Remember when I made a comic about how Kazuya's Quest would end? While none of the predictions that I made came true, it ended with Sephiroth getting defeated by Kazuya and Kirby. To add insult to injury, Sephiroth's army disbanded, headed for home and called the Bringer of Despair a loser. Now Professor Hojo is going to hate himself even more than he normally would because he is going to end up being a laughing stock in addition to being a worse father than Kazuya's father Heihachi. As for Jenova, she would not take Sephiroth's defeat and humiliation at the hands of Kazuya and Kirby very lightly. But she can do nothing about it because even if she decides to join forces with Polygon Man, that purple head would not allow her to be part of his army. Perhaps it's because being an Eldritch Abomination, she is uglier than even the Chimera from Sony's Resistance franchise, and the Chimera are ugly aliens.

P.S. Jenova rarely talks. But when she did, she taunted Cloud by saying "Because, you are... a puppet".

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix.

Update: Unfortunately for Jenova, she did not get any chance to destroy the Smash House because Wooden Plank Studios had its final curtain call on 9 July 2024. However, Sephiroth defeated Galeem and Tabuu in the very last Wooden Plank Studios story arc, where Tabuu and Galeem teamed up and organized a battle royale. So technically, Jenova did have the last laugh because she did win against Tabuu and Galeem at the end.

A Father worse than Heihachi Mishima

It's no secret that Professor Hojo is the evil genius behind Sephiroth because Professor Hojo is Sephiroth's father. This means Professor Hojo would definitely be a bad father worse than Heihachi Mishima. Imagine if Heihachi's son Kazuya, who has a huge dislike of fathers, found out Professor Hojo was Sephiroth's father...

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix.

Slapping Denial

Hands grabbing Jenova's appendage and telling her enough, from left to right: Yuna (Final Fantasy X), Kazuya Mishima (Tekken), Doom Slayer (Doom), Goku (Dragon Ball Z), Needles Kane (Twisted Metal).

In the penultimate boss battle of Final Fantasy VII, Jenova slaps her enemies with her appendages, and she slaps hard. That's why in this comic, various characters are grabbing the appendage of this evil matriarch responsible for masterminding all of Sephiroth's villainy.

I can understand that Yuna is from a different Final Fantasy game, but she made her stance crystal clear that she stands with Cloud and his friends against Sephiroth, Professor Hojo and Jenova.

If Kazuya found out that Professor Hojo, like Jenova, was also another mastermind behind Sephiroth's villainy, in addition to the mad genius being a terrible father who could be worse than Kazuya's father Heihachi Mishima, Kazuya is going to get Professor Hojo dead for sure...

Doom Slayer would mistake Jenova for a Cacodemon from the Doom series. Goku prefers to punish villains such as Jenova by teaching them the error of their ways, and when that doesn't succeed, he will have to wipe them off from the face of the planet.

Needles Kane would just be somebody who suspects that Jenova was colluding with the malevolent purple head responsible for PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale.

From Ugly to Uglier

How did Jenova become one of the ugliest penultimate bosses in video game history? This would make you wonder how Polygon Man went from PlayStation's rejected advertising mascot to the malevolent mastermind behind PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale...

Sephiroth bringing Smash despair was clearly one of Jenova's dark plans to begin with. In addition to Jenova being too grotesque, her dark plans are far too sinister for Polygon Man to comprehend, therefore disqualifying her from being involved in any of Polygon Man's malevolent plans. This could explain why the only Eldritch Abominations that get to be stage hazards in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale are those owned by Sony.

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix.

P.S. It turns out Jenova was a shapeshifter just like Mystique from X-Men.

Ugly and Uglier

It's time for the creepiest day of the creepiest month of the year. But we're not going to focus on that. Instead, we're focusing on ugliness. Ugliness that was to blame for Polygon Man getting sidelined in 1995.

The real reason Jenova was prohibited from making cameo appearances in the Kingdom Hearts series, the Dissidia Final Fantasy series, PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale, and Super Smash Bros Ultimate was because of her being too grotesque. And it doesn't help when she's uglier than Polygon Man, whose ugliness got him sidelined for 17 years on Ken Kutaragi's orders.

Final Fantasy VII © Square Enix. PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale © Sony Interactive Entertainment.

Stomp The Jerk 2

Characters stomping Sephiroth on his back, from left to right, starting with the top row:

Row 1: Kazuya Mishima (Tekken), Jin Kazama (Tekken), Akira Yuki (Virtua Fighter).

Row 2: Ryo Sakazaki (The King of Fighters), Yuko (Valis), Wynn (Mystery of Atlantis).

It's time to give Sephiroth a humiliation conga he will never forget as punishment for all his villainy, just like how Gary Oak was given a humiliation conga for bullying Ash Ketchum, and justice will be delivered my way.

If there is anything Sephiroth will regret, it would be running afoul of the Mishima Clan and the curse they have been synonymous with throughout the history of the Tekken franchise. Sephiroth will be as good as dead just like Kazuya's father Heihachi Mishima because while Kazuya perished at the hands of Heihachi before, G Corporation resurrected Kazuya, and he came back stronger than before. This proved crucial in Kazuya's final showdown with Heihachi in Tekken 7, where Kazuya finally defeated (and killed) Heihachi.

If there is anybody who will get Kazuya dead and ultimately end the curse of the Mishima Clan, it will be Kazuya's son Jin Kazama. This hero is determined to eliminate the biggest, baddest villains, even if it means starting a global war. Therefore, no villain, not even a serial killer like Sephiroth, is safe from Jin Kazama and his Iron Fist of Justice.

If there is any reason for Sega to be angry with Square Enix, it's because Square Enix's allegiance to Sony contributed to Sega's exit from hardware production. For all we know, Jenova could have been colluding with a malevolent purple polygonal head who seeks to destroy the entire PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale roster and become the sole mascot of PlayStation as payback for being rejected by Ken Kutaragi. That's why Virtua Fighter's Akira Yuki is stomping Sephiroth. Talk about payback for Sega being kicked out of hardware production by Sony, and Square Enix was largely to blame for Sega's exit.

Remember when SNK and Square Enix had a copyright dispute? Well, SNK can vent their anger on Square Enix by having Ryo Sakazaki, the leader of the Art of Fighting Team from The King of Fighters series, stomp on Sephiroth.

As for Yuko and Wynn, these two obscure characters get to vent their anger on Sephiroth, just like how they vented their anger on Gary Oak in the previous stomping comic, and all in the name of justice.

If you want to know why the shirtless Sephiroth is being stomped in this comic is because this is a reference to Sephiroth being in that alternate costume when he got slashed to death by Cloud's Omnislash at the end of Final Fantasy VII.

A Special Anniversary Message to Square Enix

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of Final Fantasy VII, the game that turned Square Enix and the Sony PlayStation into gaming juggernauts. However, this milestone anniversary came at a time when the fanbase is bitterly divided, and on top of that, during a pandemic.

The Final Fantasy VII Remake and the Final Fantasy Pixel Remasters, while they were nowhere near the dumpster fire that was Balan Wonderworld, were not worth the customer's money. If Jenova being an ugly penultimate boss in the original Final Fantasy VII was any indication, nobody wants to think about how ugly Jenova will look in the Final Fantasy VII Remake when Cloud and his friends face her as the penultimate boss.

I can understand getting rid of music piracy. But a full scale assault on music piracy is only going to cause people to close their wallets because people see it as an act of war against digital freedom.

Whoever supports leftists will get ostracized, and Square Enix is no exception. Justice for minorities is important, but the leftist methods are not the correct way to do so. Whatever you do, do not donate to leftists, or you will get shunned just like Square Enix.

To be honest, I have never played any Final Fantasy game in my entire life, and I will probably never play a Final Fantasy game in the future years that are yet to come.

Predictions for an Endgame Scenario

Author's Note: Currently, as at the time of this comic being published, Wooden Plank Studios' Kazuya Story Arc is still ongoing.

It all started with Sephiroth poisoning his guests at the E3 Dinner Party. Tekken's Kazuya Mishima managed to find Incineroar and Kirby still alive. However, he had to begin his quest to revive everyone who perished at the E3 Dinner Party. Why Sephiroth poisoned everyone remains unclear. However, it may have something to do with Sony not being at E3 2021. This could mean that the mastermind behind Sephiroth's mass poisoning was not only his mother Jenova, who is not quite dead despite being technically dead for thousands of years since the destruction of the Cetra, but Sony, the creators and owners of the PlayStation brand, could possibly have been involved in what appears to be an anti-Nintendo plot as well as an anti-Microsoft plot.

We have not reached the point where any of these endgame scenarios will happen yet. But the one where Sephiroth pulls a Tim Curry by quoting Cherdenko's quote of escaping his enemies, will reveal that Sony is the one place that hasn't been corrupted by Nintendo's tripe. All three possible endgame scenarios will involve the PlayStation characters turning their weapons against Sephiroth because he hurt the Sackboy's feelings.

It's possible Polygon Man was the true mastermind behind all of this. He disliked E3 ever since he was rejected by PlayStation creator Ken Kutaragi at E3 1995.

Update: None of my predictions were correct, but there was an Avengers: Endgame-style final battle between Kazuya's army and Sephiroth's army, and Kazuya's army emerged victorious because Kirby disabled Sephiroth's Jenova Cells with a Friend Heart, allowing Cloud and Joker to land a coup de grace on him. Once Sephiroth felt that could not stand punching Pichu, his army of villains disbanded, and he had to be Kazuya's prisoner. As for Jenova and Polygon Man, neither one showed up because they prefer to keep to the sidelines. It makes sense for Jenova because she was technically dead for thousands of years since the extinction of the Cetra people. In Polygon Man's case, he keeps to the sidelines even when you face him in the Boss Arena. The most the malevolent head could do is transform into stage hazards or slam on you like a Thwomp, which leaves him vulnerable to attack.

Now that Kazuya's Quest is over, Kazuya begins a new quest in the Paldea Region. Congratulations to Wooden Plank Studios for creating one of the longest story arcs in webcomic history!